People frequently jump into junk food sex primarily as a means to feel attractive, sexy, powerful, masculine, feminine, and needed. These are all ways of feeling validated and when looked at carefully there is nothing wrong with wanting to be validated in any of these ways. Truth be told maybe everyone wants to feel attractive, sexy, powerful, and so forth. And, sex can be a means to this, but only if the junk food sex version is avoided and replaced with the ecstatic sex version that involves both like love and intimacy.
How is this done? First, couples need to understand the difference between sex that comes from the ego and sex that comes from their hearts and souls.
Sex and the Ego.
Everyone has an ego. It’s impossible to exist without it. The ego is that aspect of an individual that thinks primarily about that individual’s own needs. Everyone has to have some basic ego needs (for food, clothing, shelther, security, and love) met. But, when the ego crosses the line and moves into what is called the “See Me Game” in the book Beyond the Secret: Spiritual Power and the Law of Attraction, problems ensue. The “See Me Game” is essentially full of narcissism. Those who play the “See Me Game” suck the life out of everyone around them (like energy vampires) as they constantly bring the focus of attention back to themselves. In short there is very little reciprocation.
When the “See Me Game” takes place in a sexual encounter sexual partner’s end up saying something like this…
- “See how sexy (powerful, wonderful) I am compared to you.”
- “See how accomodating (loving, giving) I am because I am willing to have sex with you even though I really don’t want to (or am lying about how attractive you are, or just using you while imagine you are someone else, or busy thinking about my day-planner while pretending to be enjoying sex, etc.)”
- “See how great I am because I have managed to have sex with you (typically by dominating, seducing, manipulating, or guilt-tripping you into it).”
- “See how wonderful you are compared to me because I am so low, unworthy, and victim-based that I can’t take responsibility for sharing with you my real desires and needs (which makes me even more wonderful since I am sacrificing so much of myself for you).”
It’s no surprise that when ever the “See Me Game” enters the sexual encounter either right away or over time, one or both partner’s involved end up feeling depleted, as if they are having sex with a sexual vampire. Sadly, without realizing it, they may also be having toxic orgasms (something a healthy celibacy detox can help to correct).
Can’t Get No Satisfaction
Yes, people who don’t know any better, or who have a low sense of self, or who don’t understand how great ecstatic sex may figure, “What the heck!” and settle for sex that is ego based and gives them junk food sex. But, this doesn’t have to be. As each person learns to validate the other in ways that are healthy, loving, and fun, they ramp up their sex drive, libidos, and ultimately their satisfaction with sex overall.
What are healthy ways to validate each other? That is what upcoming articles on how to validate each other in a conscius way will be about.